Pain in my brain and in my veins

I never know where to start

I guess it’s the battle between my brain and my heart

Maybe I should go back to the beginning

To the day I took my part

And started living

Since I can remember there’s been a knot in my stomach

A weight on my chest

And I tried my best to shove them away

But they were always here to stay

By age sixteen I was severely depressed

I repressed my emotions and kept on moving

Scared that my demons would catch up with me

I started taking meds

And for a while my head was above water

Until I crashed and burned

Realising I was never really better

That’s when everything came back from under the surface

And I was suffocating under my own thoughts

They needed an outlet

So, I started cutting my skin to let them out

But it only made things worse

Cause I let them out of their cage

And they could harass me from the outside

With no remorse

So now I am stuck between the inside and outside

Caged in by my demons from all sides

While I still slice my skin

Giving me temporary relief

So finally, I wonder…

Why do I love the pain when I cut my veins,

But hate the pain when it’s in my brain?

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I wrote this poem on June 29 2022. I just stumbled on it while trying to find something else in my files. I read it and was pretty impressed of how well it resumes my life. So without further a do, let's analyse this bitch.

First of all, I remembered that the last sentence was my first idea and I built up to like a culmination. The first sentence is quite bad but a good place to start when you don't know what to write. I simply started by admitting defeat and accepting that I write the same shit over and over again.

The next few lines rhyme and flow well together but don't tell us much of a story: they prepare the stage for the actual story.

Then we get information on how I've felt all these years. With "knot in my stomach" and "weight on my chest" we have two expressions to show there's anxiety and depression. Then we come to "i started taking meds" and this opens up a new chapter of the story. We understand that the repressed emotions are coming out from under, ravaging my life. After that, we can read that I started self-harming and this made the demons come out only to attack me from the outside. There's a sorte of accumulation with "inside", "outside" and finally "all sides": it builds up to the relief that is cutting my skin. Then we finally come to the sentence i really wanted to build up to: "Why do I love the pain when I cut my veins but hate the pain when it's in my brain?". It puts into light how illogical it is to hurt yourself when you have bad thoughts. When someone is down you try to comfort them and be nice to them so why on earth would you treat yourself badly? And also if you look at it like this - the negative needs a positive like in electricity - it just makes no sense to harm yourself when you're down and out.

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After reading a few things from my files and working on the analysis I realised I really appreciate the whole process of re-reading my writings. I love to see how I evolved and how I think differently. You could be really into a text once and then find it bad or find it bad then find it good; it goes both ways. And as I'm reading I automatically have words jumping in my mind to find ways to make it better. It's truly a wonderful project when you start, wait a little, re-read, re-work etc. It makes you think twice because you could have written something that at the time seemed true but realise later that you think differently and I end up with counter-arguments against my own thoughts. It's a process that I love and I encourage you to write down how your feeling and come back to read it again a few weeks later: you would be surprised how much you can discover about yourself.

Anyways I'm pretty much done. I hope you liked this kind of short analysis of my own writings. Let me know if there's anything else you would like me to analyse. I have a few songs in mind and I can also review random poems. Thank you for taking the time to read and I'll catch up with you in the next one. Bye! xoxo Tina