Fear of failure and being down and out again

As I am studying a bit to get ready for my return to school, I can’t help the hopelessness from getting to me. I am trying my best to go easy on myself and take it step by step but I feel completely lost. Everything I am studying looks like Chinese to me and every time I try to study, I can only focus for about 30 minutes. And what does that do to me? It fills me up with fear. I am so scared of going back to school and seeing so many people during the day and now I am scared of failing even though I have always been good in school. I don’t know I’m being irrational but I am really so fucking scared. In addition, my mood has been going downhill. Very fast. When I started writing this a few weeks ago, I was still kind of stable. But now…uh…it’s tough. Really tough. I’m going back to the hospital soon (I’m on the waiting list) so I’ve put school on the back burner. The only thing I have been doing and will be doing is reading my books. One down, four to go. I’ve been trying to keep my head above water by not turning to the bottle, not letting self-harm control me and staying active but most of the time I just sleep or lay in bed. I’m so down and out that I’m unable to be scared about school. Quite frankly, I don’t give a shit anymore. When the suicidal thoughts are back, nothing matters anymore. It’s always like this. It’s a vicious cycle I try very hard to stay out of but I must admit that I am back in it.

That’s it for me now. I don’t know when I’ll have the energy to write again. So, until then, goodbye!