birthday paradox

Yesterday as I was falling asleep, I suddenly remembered today is my birthday. I had only thought about it once or twice throughout the day. Like it doesn't even matter. Additionally I was thinking about the sensation I have every year on that day: a one where fabulous and weird meet. A feeling of liberty - like you're about to take the leap and fly - and overwhelm - like you're stuck there surrounded by people's energies. Usually people like being the center of attention, me the first, but a whole day centered on us is a lot energetically. And let's not forget: weird.

But this year is a different year: I woke up without even getting that feeling. It doesn't seem to me it's my birthday, maybe because time keeps going faster and it doesn't feel like a year since my 20th. I hadn't had the time to think a bout what I wanted to do this year and suddenly my whole day's overbooked with unrelated things. It's funny because my best friend's throwing a goodbye and early birthday party tonight. It's perfect though: I get to see all my friends and party without the inconvenience of throwing it myself. It's pretty genius if you ask me. Or just purely lazy.

Anyways for those reasons I already don't feel like it's my birthday. Then there's also the fact that I did not see it coming and did not get exited about it or feel any anticipation. We could argue it's because I'm not doing anything for me specially, so it goes back to the last paragraph and everything keeps tying in together (that's what I like when writing though). I didn't even get excited over presents: i didn't ask for anything and nobody asked me what I wanted. There was literally nothing to get exited about but I guess that's what happens when u have a little money and can get the things that you need and don't really need presents anymore.

That brings us to the main reason I didn't get exited: I'm not a kid anymore... okay I like putting on my crown and nice clothes when it's a special Tina day but it doesn't get me exited like I used to when I was younger. I'm content I get to play and have fun but I don't get that excited, "I'm so special", feeling. I guess that's growing up but I wish it wasn't this way... I wanna feel anticipation and impatience leading to my birthday. I wanna not be able to fall asleep the night before because I'm too exited. I wanna wake up and instantly feel that powerful feeling of celebrating your birthday. Hell I wanna celebrate my birthWEEK.

And you know why this is so important to me? (that I'm realising while writing right now)

It's because I was fighting for so long not to come to my death and now I want to continue living so the fact I was born is so precious to me. It's like: look at me I made it another year!!! little me is so proud right now!!!

That's how I see it. Now. I used to see it as just an opportunity to party but it's so much more than that. I am still fucking alive and THAT should be celebrated. By me. And adjacently by my loved ones. But it's my birthday, my day to celebrate myself and do the things I want (nothing crazy though lmao).

Anyways, those were my birthday thoughts freshly out of my head. It's my birthday but I don't feel special about it... if that's what growing up is, then here's to never growing up! Cheers!

byeee,

Tina